Thursday, October 30, 2008

Your 2008 Big 12 Halloween Costume Guide

Satan's Holiday is just a few days away and some folks are looking for last minute ideas of what to dress up as. (I've never really understood Halloween and "dressing up" because really all it is is an excuse for girls dressing up in ridiculously slutty outfits. I'm not complaining, I'm just pointing that out.)

Every Halloween you have your different groups. You've got your girls (the ones who buy some novelty outfit that serves no purpose but to have guys ogle them all night, only turn down said guys precisely at 2 a.m.), your "This is lame, but I want to party and check out chicks in slutty nurse outfits" group (the dudes that dress up as themselves, put on dirty old fedora and say they're a bum, wear sweats and say they're a boxer or carry around a beer and say they are an alcoholic) and your "They're taking this waaaaaay too seriously" group (the people that clearly either put an embarrassing amount of time into their costume or spent an embarrassing amount of money on it).

Just so you know where I'm coming from, here's the run down of my Halloween costumes since I was three.
3: Popeye
4: GI Joe
5: GI Joe
6: Indiana Jones
7: GI Joe
8: Troy Aikman (I'll never live this one down)
9: GI Joe
10: Indiana Jones
11: Indiana Jones
12: Indiana Jones
13: GI Joe
14-20: Nothing. This is the period when it isn't cool to dress up anymore. But you finally come full circle and start putting on the crap again.
21: Bum with dirty hat
22: Indiana Jones)

So it's October 30th and I was wondering, what would the Big 12 look like if it dressed up for Halloween?

Sexy Nurse - Baylor. Robert Griffin is darn fun to watch but by the end of the night, everyone has had their way with them.

Clown - Iowa State. The Cyclones are just bad and everyone laughs at them. Everything they do is funny - when they just to throw it, run it, kick it, play defense.

Pirate - Texas Tech. Really it doesn't have so much to do with the team as it does with its coach. Mike Leach is obsessed with pirates and I'm sure come Halloween, he'll be decked out in all of his awesome pirate gear, sitting at home alone. It wouldn't surprise me if he showed up to Saturday's showdown against Texas with an eye-patch and a parrot on his shoulder. That's the kind of dude Mike Leach is.

Fat Guy - Kansas. Obviously.

Popeye - Texas. Right now, they're pumping along, kicking major butt. But you take away their can of spinach - Colt McCoy - and they're nobody. No team relies on one player as much as Texas relies on Colt.

GI Joe - Oklahoma. On a mission every year and unwavering in that quest. But unless something drops their way the Sooners won't have a shot at it. For the Sooners, winning is only half the battle. They need someone to lose for them to actually win - if that makes sense.

Bum - Texas A&M. They aren't like Iowa State. It isn't funny how bad they are - it's sad. The Aggies are coached by a staff full of guys that cumulative age probably adds up to 1,000. They are past their prime and on the way down.

Indiana Jones - Oklahoma State. This season for the Pokes is a total adventure. They're in uncharted waters, in an unknown land. Just like Indy, they are way in over their heads and have no idea what to do next. And more so like Henry Walton Jones Jr. they'll figure a way to get out of this - and by get out of it, I mean get out of any contention for a Big 12 title or a BCS Bowl.

Football Player - Colorado. This is Division I football! Go play intramurals brutha! They desperately want to be one of the big boys but they just don't have what it takes.

Boxer - Nebraska. Just like a beleaguered boxer, the Huskers keep trying and keep punching, but there's just not much in the tank. Could double as the cliche "70's Guy" (remember, we used to be good?) but we chose boxer because of the Huskers head coach. Coach Bo wears a sweatshirt to every game - it could be 200 degrees outside and the fabric has melted to his skin. He's wearing the sweatshirt. And moreover, he wears a "regular" sweatshirt, which is one with no hood. Seriously, who does that anymore? Tomorrow, try and count how many regular, non-hooded sweatshirts you see. I bet you come up with under five. And on top of the sweatshirt Bo wears a hat tilted as far back as it possibly can go, to the point where the back is almost touching his spinal cord. Then he puts 45 sticks of gum in his mouth and smacks it like he's knawing through bone. I like Bo. I'm feeling a Rocky-type comeback in the Red soon. But not now. They're just the washed up puncher hoping to land a lucky one.

Themself - Missouri. What you see is what you get. They aren't shocking anyone. They win the games they are supposed to, but don't do anything special outside of beating Iowa State and Colorado. They run a bread and butter offense that has yards built into it, but still really don't play defense.

Really Off-Color Offensive Costume - Kansas State. You know every Halloween party has that one costume that kind of stepped over the line. The one everyone is trying to justify because it's Halloween but you just aren't comfortable with. The dead baby. The KKK costume. The terrorist. Just not cool to wear. That's the Wildcats. They just don't belong. They showed up, they tried to be good, but they just failed miserably.

So there it is. Or if you wanted to be more specific, put on a diaper and say you're Colt McCoy; put on backwards hat over your eyebrows so that your forehead feels like you were just on Dr. 90210 and tilt said hat just slightly over your left ear for fashion and you're Chase Daniel. Or just paint yourself gold, put on a leather helmet and flash the Heisman pose all night to go as Sam Bradford.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Poo or puke? A tough decision indeed

What's better - a kick in the balls or punch in the gut? Watching two hours of Trading Spaces or WWE Raw? Charlie Sheen or Keanu Reeves? Diarrhea or throwing up? Gus Frerotte or Kerry Collins? John Blake or Howard Schnellenberger? Family Guy or Drawn Together? (That's right, I don't enjoy Family Guy.)

Tough decisions all, but not a one lends a good, clear-cut winning choice.

Sooner fans face a similar choice this weekend: Oklahoma State or Texas? Last year I said the O State/Texas game was like a pillow fight at a sorority house - no matter who loses, we're all winners. OU was in charge of the Big 12 South and anytime your two top rivals play, one has to lose. It's win-win. But not this year. Oh no. It's bad either way for Sooner fans. How could one know who to pick to cast a little Sooner Magic on?

Let me instruct you.

First, you have to look at what benefits OU the most. A Texas win really doesn't do a lot for OU at this point. And OSU win really doesn't either. In fact, the opposite if OSU wins. Sooner fans just get another week of grief as the Pokes start to pound their chest like they're the ones with seven natty titles. Not taking anything away from OSU at all, because they're doing awesome this year, but we all know those wearing bright orange can sometimes be a little... well, overzealous about their team.

But here's the real situation: OU can get to Kansas City one of two ways. Texas can lose twice and OU wins out. That's happened before (see: 2006). Some people see Texas as unbeatable but they have a difficult slate ahead with OSU, at Texas Tech at Kansas and Texas A&M, as bad as they've been, has beaten UT two straight years. Which could be a good thing or a very bad thing. Option No. 2: OSU or Texas Tech beats UT and then whichever team that won (TT or OSU) wins out. Then OU beats the team that beat Texas. That would put three teams at 7-1 in the South and the tie breaker in a three way lock is the highest team in the BCS. Which would likely be OU.

But, something people aren't understanding is that OU does NOT need to win the Big 12 title to play for the national title. The BCS rules are simple: If you are No. 1 or No. 2 at the end of the year, you go to Miami and play for the Sears/Circuit City/Bed Bath and Beyond/Whoever has the rights now Trophy. Currently, OU has two teams in front of it - Penn State and Alabama. The Nittany Lions travel to Columbus this weekend and play No. 10 Ohio State. The Crimson Tide hasn't exactly looked impressive this season, save one half against Georgia. And don't forget, this is college football. Did you watch last year? Anything can happen on any Saturday. A big fatty could get pushed over in Austin this Saturday and roll up on Colt McCoy's knee - season altered. It doesn't take much. Ask Sam Bradford and the Sooners about Lubbock last year. Well, Slick Sammy may not actually remember what happened in Lubbock, but you get the point.

Southern Cal trails the Sooners in the standings by nearly a full point. They play a duff schedule the rest of the way while OU has two teams in the top 10 left. The only way USC makes up ground on OU in the BCS is if voters start favoring them because of the SC lovefest and also because they don't want an OU/UT rematch. A one loss SEC team might be able to to catch OU. If Florida were to win out and win the SEC championship game, they might get a bump because of winning their title game whereas OU didn't even play in it. Which is a bit ridiculous because USC could potentially jump OU and they won't play in a conference title game either.

(deep breath)

Ok. So. That brings us back to the original query. Who should Sooner fans root for Saturday? Oklahoma State or Texas? The bitter rival with years of tradition, but much hatred? Or the rival that has burst onto the scene like Joe the Plumber and will give OU fans an earful if they win?

A Texas loss to OSU means OU fans would have to root for the Pokes to win out until Bedlam. Which might mean OSU being ranked No. 1 in the BCS until Bedlam - which might mean with a Bedlam victory, O.....ahem...S.....U, could play for the Big 12 title and ... excuse me (headbutts keyboard) hgfhdfahfhfasfdwr........ maybe the national title.

A Texas victory means OU fans either root for Tech to beat them or that the Schooners get another shot at the Horns in Miami. Which is awesome and terrifying all at the same time.

Or we can all do what is smartest and makes the most sense: root for neither and just the let the wonderful thing that is college football, sort itself out. It always does. A lot can and will happen before December.

And I choose a punch in the gut, WWE Raw, Charlie Sheen, Dee-a-ree, Kerry Collins, Pass, Reading a book.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

This year was supposed to be different

Hey, did you guys know Frank TV is back for another season? Yeah! Me neither. Oh, what? You saw the 52 spots per game on TBS during the NLDS?

But the thing is, that wasn't even the close to the hardest thing to watch last night. The Cubs have let everyone down. Again. It hurts. It sucks. It's the worst thing to happen in years. 2003 wasn't even this bad. Wrigley booed for over an hour straight. I just can't go into a 2,000 word column about what needs to change and what needs to happen. There's no need.

So just enjoy some comments from my fellow Cubbie friends as we watched last night's game.

The Psychology of a Cub fan.

8:34, top of the first: "Crowd is much better tonight! Strike 3!!! I've got goosebumps already. Let's get it going Cub bats!!!" Score: 0-0

8:41, bottom two: "WILD PITCH! Man this game just FEELS different. Not saying it means anything, but I'm in a good mood now."

8:51, bottom two: "Crap! Would've liked to have gotten on the board there but that's alright because Z is on fire tonight."

9:01, top two, Dodgers have runners on: "STRIKE THREE! Now let's just get a double play."
9:01:10, top two, runners on: "Can we trade Derrek Lee to the Dodgers real quick then?"
9:03, top two, error by Mark DeRosa: "Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm." 1-0
9:04, top two, error by Derrek Lee: "What. The. Hell."
9:07, top two, three-run double by Russell Martin: "I feel sick. Literally sick," and "Game. Set. Season," and "agahsdhjsdjhdjadjhsdjhadhajdg. ahgsdkjajkdjkad." and "Don't believe. Ever again." and finally "I need a beer." 5-0
9:14, bottom two. Cub fans, as lovable as we are start to pick up that stupid bag of dissapointment called hope again: "They can still chip away if they just get their heads up and their swings right to get some runs. But I just have a hard time believing that we can keep the Dodgers from scoring again with Z going out early for sure and the defense being so effing bad so far" and "Ron Santo can't take this. The sadness in his voice is heartbreaking."
Three Cubs up. Three Cubs sit down. Still 5-0.
9:16, top three: "I hate these guys. Hate 'em."
9:22, middle three: "And they're playing crappy OAR at the stadium. Even the P.A. guy wants them to lose."
9:26, middle three: "This can't be healthy. Like something internally has to be jacked up. I was at the highest of highs after Soriano's single and Zambrano's 1,2,3 first. I was beating my chest. Stomping around. Gritting my teeth. Now I feel sick to my stomach and I feel like I can't keep my eyes open. I think my insides caught fire and burnt up."
9:33, bottom three: "YES! A WALK! Nice work Z, ok Soriano do anything."
9:34, bottom three, two balls no strikes on Soriano: It's sad how bad I am. Whenever a count goes 2-0, I feel like, "Ok, here we go. This is it."Z walks and I'm thinking, "Ok baby. Here we go. Offensive explosion." I just set myself up for catastrophic disappointment one after the other.
9:36, bottom three, Soriano pops out: "Cool, no runs. Seems about right."
Still, 5-0.
9:38: "How did TBS get Donald Trump and George W. Bush to do TV spots for them? That's pretty amazing. And they must have paid a hefty price to have them do four spots every half inning." Seriously TBS. Just advertise anything, something, other than Frank TV every 10 seconds.
9:42-9:49: Zambrano wiggles around ANOTHER error and keeps the Cubs on life support.
9:50-9:56, bottom four: Cubs get a couple runners on, of course get nothing.
9:59, top five, home run Manny Ramirez: "I'm just going to watch college football the rest of the night." 6-0
10:14, bottom five, Fukodome spins out: "Fukodome might as well lay there."
10:31, top six, Zambrano exits to a standing ovation: "Put Howry in or just underhand it?"
10:37, end six, Cubs three up, three down: "All losers. Every single one of 'em. I still love them though. I just want almost all of them to die right now."
10:45, top seven, Dodgers tack on another: "I'm glad I didn't go to the game tonight, I'd wind up on some photo montage of misery. Because I'd be a 23 year old in tears." 7-0
10:49, bottom seven, Cubs score: "Come back? No way. Know why? Cubs." 7-1
10:50, bottom seven, runners still on: "Why are they toying with me like this!? What comes next, a walk to load the bases? Then a pop fly that almost gets out, but just short?"
10:56, bottom seven, Fuk strikes out: "Why is he playing again?"
11:03, top eight: Cubs' fans are pondering if there is a chance to come back in the series. "The clubhouse manager had better be out finding a goat that these 25 guys can sacrifice on the mound after everyone has left the stadium. That's how they're going to win the next three."
11:04, top eight: "And Rich Harden better be effing drinking goat's blood tonight."
Dodgers tack on two more with a little help from the suckier boys in blue.
Cubs go in order, again
11:19, top nine, Dodgers get another with another error by the Cubs: "This is stupid."
11:31, bottom nine, leadoff double by D Lee: "I smell a ninth inning, nine-run rally."
11:35, after a single by A-Ram, DeRosa double in two: "God I hate this team. I know they're going to get eight runs to lose 10-9." 10-3
11:40, Soto lines out, deflating everyone. As if there was actually hope. Geez. I'll admit it. I was playing the scenario out in my head. "Ok, Soto lines one in the gap here driving in DeRo. 10-4. Then Fukodome walks. Then Daryl Ward gets on. Bases loaded. Then Fonzie cranks a granny. 10-8. Then we're at the top of the order with nobody out and just down two. We can do this! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!" Oh yeah, it's 10-3 and Soto just lined out. Why do I do this to myself?
11:41, runners on, full count: Announcer Dick Stockton: "Entire crowd on their feet here." That's because they're going home Dick.
11:48, strike three, Cubs lose. 10-3. Everyone digging for hope is saying things like, "Well the pressure is really on the Dodgers now you know..." or "Those runs in the ninth are sure to carry over some momentum..."
Yeah. Right.
But that's the Cub life. They give you a glimmer of hope, something to lift your spirits by stringing together a few hits there in the ninth. You're feeling better than you thought you would at the start of game three. You think there's some momentum to carry over.
And then they get swept.
And you swear them off forever.
And then you wait for next year.
And when it comes, you get that little feeling again.
And by opening day, you're sitting on your couch with Cubbie blue all over your body feeling like this could be it. "This year just feels different. This team is different."
That's the psychology of a Cub fan. That's the Cub life.

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