Thursday, October 30, 2008

Your 2008 Big 12 Halloween Costume Guide

Satan's Holiday is just a few days away and some folks are looking for last minute ideas of what to dress up as. (I've never really understood Halloween and "dressing up" because really all it is is an excuse for girls dressing up in ridiculously slutty outfits. I'm not complaining, I'm just pointing that out.)

Every Halloween you have your different groups. You've got your girls (the ones who buy some novelty outfit that serves no purpose but to have guys ogle them all night, only turn down said guys precisely at 2 a.m.), your "This is lame, but I want to party and check out chicks in slutty nurse outfits" group (the dudes that dress up as themselves, put on dirty old fedora and say they're a bum, wear sweats and say they're a boxer or carry around a beer and say they are an alcoholic) and your "They're taking this waaaaaay too seriously" group (the people that clearly either put an embarrassing amount of time into their costume or spent an embarrassing amount of money on it).

Just so you know where I'm coming from, here's the run down of my Halloween costumes since I was three.
3: Popeye
4: GI Joe
5: GI Joe
6: Indiana Jones
7: GI Joe
8: Troy Aikman (I'll never live this one down)
9: GI Joe
10: Indiana Jones
11: Indiana Jones
12: Indiana Jones
13: GI Joe
14-20: Nothing. This is the period when it isn't cool to dress up anymore. But you finally come full circle and start putting on the crap again.
21: Bum with dirty hat
22: Indiana Jones)

So it's October 30th and I was wondering, what would the Big 12 look like if it dressed up for Halloween?

Sexy Nurse - Baylor. Robert Griffin is darn fun to watch but by the end of the night, everyone has had their way with them.

Clown - Iowa State. The Cyclones are just bad and everyone laughs at them. Everything they do is funny - when they just to throw it, run it, kick it, play defense.

Pirate - Texas Tech. Really it doesn't have so much to do with the team as it does with its coach. Mike Leach is obsessed with pirates and I'm sure come Halloween, he'll be decked out in all of his awesome pirate gear, sitting at home alone. It wouldn't surprise me if he showed up to Saturday's showdown against Texas with an eye-patch and a parrot on his shoulder. That's the kind of dude Mike Leach is.

Fat Guy - Kansas. Obviously.

Popeye - Texas. Right now, they're pumping along, kicking major butt. But you take away their can of spinach - Colt McCoy - and they're nobody. No team relies on one player as much as Texas relies on Colt.

GI Joe - Oklahoma. On a mission every year and unwavering in that quest. But unless something drops their way the Sooners won't have a shot at it. For the Sooners, winning is only half the battle. They need someone to lose for them to actually win - if that makes sense.

Bum - Texas A&M. They aren't like Iowa State. It isn't funny how bad they are - it's sad. The Aggies are coached by a staff full of guys that cumulative age probably adds up to 1,000. They are past their prime and on the way down.

Indiana Jones - Oklahoma State. This season for the Pokes is a total adventure. They're in uncharted waters, in an unknown land. Just like Indy, they are way in over their heads and have no idea what to do next. And more so like Henry Walton Jones Jr. they'll figure a way to get out of this - and by get out of it, I mean get out of any contention for a Big 12 title or a BCS Bowl.

Football Player - Colorado. This is Division I football! Go play intramurals brutha! They desperately want to be one of the big boys but they just don't have what it takes.

Boxer - Nebraska. Just like a beleaguered boxer, the Huskers keep trying and keep punching, but there's just not much in the tank. Could double as the cliche "70's Guy" (remember, we used to be good?) but we chose boxer because of the Huskers head coach. Coach Bo wears a sweatshirt to every game - it could be 200 degrees outside and the fabric has melted to his skin. He's wearing the sweatshirt. And moreover, he wears a "regular" sweatshirt, which is one with no hood. Seriously, who does that anymore? Tomorrow, try and count how many regular, non-hooded sweatshirts you see. I bet you come up with under five. And on top of the sweatshirt Bo wears a hat tilted as far back as it possibly can go, to the point where the back is almost touching his spinal cord. Then he puts 45 sticks of gum in his mouth and smacks it like he's knawing through bone. I like Bo. I'm feeling a Rocky-type comeback in the Red soon. But not now. They're just the washed up puncher hoping to land a lucky one.

Themself - Missouri. What you see is what you get. They aren't shocking anyone. They win the games they are supposed to, but don't do anything special outside of beating Iowa State and Colorado. They run a bread and butter offense that has yards built into it, but still really don't play defense.

Really Off-Color Offensive Costume - Kansas State. You know every Halloween party has that one costume that kind of stepped over the line. The one everyone is trying to justify because it's Halloween but you just aren't comfortable with. The dead baby. The KKK costume. The terrorist. Just not cool to wear. That's the Wildcats. They just don't belong. They showed up, they tried to be good, but they just failed miserably.

So there it is. Or if you wanted to be more specific, put on a diaper and say you're Colt McCoy; put on backwards hat over your eyebrows so that your forehead feels like you were just on Dr. 90210 and tilt said hat just slightly over your left ear for fashion and you're Chase Daniel. Or just paint yourself gold, put on a leather helmet and flash the Heisman pose all night to go as Sam Bradford.


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